im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
