i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize