Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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