I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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