if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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