Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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