Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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