I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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