i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
