that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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