you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
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You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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