Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
