I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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