i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
