I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
