I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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