Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
