I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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