Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The best revenge is premature balding
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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