I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
