My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
