So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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