Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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