He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
