I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Randomize
