He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize