i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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