Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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