I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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