u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
