I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
