whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
