Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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