i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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