Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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