i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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