i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
