but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
