Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
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he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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