Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
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I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?