I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sext me about skeletons
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
