I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
