I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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