He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
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After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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