i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
