Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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