i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
