Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
