i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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