you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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