some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
