I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
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His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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