The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he shaved USA in his pubs
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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