My friends, they love my intelligence
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
