:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
